Happy Birthday Miles.....I miss you

Dear Miles,
WOW! I cant believe it has been a year since you came into this world. I want you to know that I will forever be changed because of you. I never knew how much I could love a child until I met you. Last year Dec. 1st was such a whirlwind of a day. I remember at about noon I had been hooked up to a Fetal monitor for about 2 hours and you just wouldn't move around! Which was so weird for you, because you were one crazy, active boy, even without having any fluid to move around in. The nurses tried everything to get you to wake up but you wouldn't. Finally they wanted to put me on oxygen to see if that would get you moving, but I really had to go to the bathroom, so they let me do that first. To my suprise, the umbilical cord came out of me! Well, the nurse told me I would have to be delivered right then......it was then that it seemed like all hell broke loose! There were instantly like 10 nurses in my room running around yelling moving my bed as fast as they could to the delivery room. I remember thinking, I should probably be freaking out right now, but I was totally calm. I am so grateful that Heavenly Fahter sent the spirit to comfort me at that time. Luckily when all this happened, your grandma Dahl had just showed up so she was able to call daddy to hurry up and come. I am so grateful she was there with me, even thought they wouldnt let her in the delivery room. Once we were in the delivery room it seemed like there was a hundred people in there!!!! I remember Dr. Spence coming in and holding my hand telling me she would take good care of us and that everything was going to be okay. well, they quickly put me under and within a few minutes......you were here!! I am also so grateful I was put under for the C-section because daddy told me later that you were not breathing and you had no heartbeat when you were born. Luckily we had the best Dr's and they were able to get you going again!!! I woke up about an hour later with NO pain medication, feeling like I had just been hit by a Semi-truck. Your daddy was there when I woke up and the first thing I asked was how you were doing. We didn't know anything yet, so he told me you were doing good, and I'm so glad he did that. The nurses got me all cleaned up, all drugged up and then they took me to see you! I had never felt so much love and joy at that moment I saw you. You were so tiny, and had so many tubes coming out of you, but to me you looked perfect. Well, they needed to get to work on you so they took me to my room and what a long day that was!!! You had so many visitors that day! SO many people were so excited to meet you. I remember feeling so relieved that no longer was my body in charge of you. I now feel guilty about that. What I wouldn't give now to have been pregnant for another year to have you here!!!! I want yo to know how much I know your Daddy loves you. He constantly went up to see you all day that day. I wish so badly I could have spent more time with you while you were alive, but everyone keeps telling me that wouldn't have been possible because of what I had just gone through. It was only a few hours after you were born that we met one of your Dr's, Dr.Weng. We didn't like her at first, but we grew to love her. She cared about you so much Miles. Sadly, when we met her she came to tell us you probably weren't going to make it. I have never prayed so hard for someone in my whole life! I wanted you so bad. I wanted to hold you and kiss you! That night one of the other Dr's came to tell us you were doing worse, so we decided to ask our bishop if we could give you a name and a blessing. At that time, Uncle Clint and Aunt Alison were there. I wanted to be up in your room when they did it, but it would have taken too long to get me there so the wonderful nurses let daddy call me on our cell phones and put them on speaker phone so I could hear. Your Daddy gave you such a beautiful blessing! I was so glad Clint and Alison were there. Aunt Alison stayed with me and she was able to write down a lot of what Daddy said. We didn't get much sleep that night because the Dr's and nurses came in a lot to update us on you. You were such a fighter!!!
Miles, my sweet baby boy, I hope you know how much I love you!! I think about you everyday. I still get sad sometimes, but I am grateful to know you are mine forever!! I know that we will get all the tender moments I want one day. I hope you are happy and you know you will always be "Our Little Soldier".
Love ALWAYS,
Mommy

I need to vent

I need to let this out.....so to those of you who read this, I'm sorry you will get the brunt of this. I am depressed today. Yes, I went to church, listened to the speakers, went to Young Women's and tried not to be, but I feel depressed. I kept thinking, "why do I feel depressed?". And then it came to me, in about a week, it will be Miles 1st birthday. Or should I say what should be his first birthday. Followed 2 days later by the year anniversary of when he left us. I really thought it wasnt going to be this hard to come upon this, but for the past week it has been. It could also be because I pretty much feel like crap all the time and spend a lot of my time staring into my toilet bowl. I know, you are all probably thinking, "that's a good thing! That means (hopefully) that things are going right with your pregnancy! You should be happy that you are even able to get pregnant, because there are many people who have a hard time." And this I know, I am very grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for my wonderful Dr's who really truly care about me and this baby, and I am grateful that I got pregnant as quickly as I did. But I am scared to death that I wont get to bring this baby home with me either. I know the chances of that are slim, but I'm not dumb enough to think I am now immune to bad things happening to me. As was manifested this last Tuesday when our house was broken into and the dumb guys took about $500 worth of our stuff. That was a bad feeling. I just feel violated. So putting those 2 things together, I feel like I should be praying more. But I just dont want to. I know deep down that it will make me feel better, but I am tired. I am tired of pleading for help from my Heavenly Father. He must be annoyed with me sometimes. I am tired of praying that this pregnancy will go perfect when I know I have no power to make it go perfectly. I feel like even if I pray for it or I dont, it wont matter because the Lord will do His will anyway. I know it is probably bad to think that way, but I cant help it lately. I am having a hard time truly turning my will to the Lord's, because if His will is to take this baby, I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!
Okay, I think I feel much better now. I really just needed to vent. Now that I said all that stuff, I know what I need to work on. My faith and my hope. I need to improve my relationship with the Lord so that I can be happy and enjoy this new life growing inside of me. I know Heavenly Father loves me and He truly does want me to be happy, and 99% of the time I am. I am just having a bad day. So excuse me while I go pray.............

Team Awesome is getting a fourth player!!!!!!

Well I guess since my mom already posted it on her blog and let out the surprise this may not come as a shock to some of you. But..........I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant! We are very excited, but also very nervous. I have already had 2 break downs and had to have a blessing, but I think I have a good feeling about this one. No I know that doesn't necessarily mean that I will get to bring this baby home, but for the most part I have peace that everything will be okay. I have already been feeling sick, and everyone tells me that is good because that means so far things are going right, which I agree, but at the moment I feel that if I dont get to keep this baby here on the earth with me, I dont want to go through this again. But I do feel grateful that I can get pregnant as easy as I can and that I am lucky enough to have one perfect child already. I just want to keep this one here!!!!! So, for me, just pray this one goes 100% better than the last one!!!!!!

Conference Weekend

Conference weekend, Mark and I got to go to Utah for our Mission Reunions and Conference! I had never been to conference so I was so excited to go!!! We had a great time and I loved it! On our way up we stopped in Vegas and stayed with some friends that live there. So we went to dinner at New York New York on the strip, so here is me and Mark there.

Here is me, Mark, Stacey, and Richard. And contrary to what you may think, no I am not pregnant. After uploading all these pictures I realize I hate them all....but hey, I guess you need to document even the fat years!! ha ha.

Here's Mark playing his dollar in the slots! He even won $2!

I didnt win anything :(

At my mission reunion!!! It was awesome seeing so many missionaries I served with that I hadn't seen in over 2 years. Here is me and Kristine (one of my companions) and her cute baby boy Kanyon.

Here is me with the other Christine. We were never companions, but we were in the MTC together and got to be very close.

The whole group!

Me and Kathy, my MTC companion and companion again at 6 months! Oh and the reason you dont see Mark in any of these is because he left to go to his reunion. I didnt want to miss out on seeing anyone!

Me after the Saturday morning session of conference on top of the conference center. It was so good, as you can tell by the lack of makeup that was cried off during the session. I'm such a baby!!

I hate this pic of me sooo much, but it was the only one of me and Mark at conference. You cant tell but that is the conference center behind us.

I had to get a pic of the protestors. They were funny. I wanted to get a pic of this one guy. He was dressed as satan and had a sign that said something like, "all these guys are my disciples, listen to them if you want to be miserable" or something like that. It was so funny!

Oh and during the priesthood session, me, my mom, my aunt Lorraine, and my cousins Heidi and Lori and their kids, and one of my companions Kristine went to the most amazing store ever......Tai Pan!! It is like Disneyland for house decor. You will be shocked and amazed that I didn't buy one thing!!!! I'm so proud of myself!!!

That trip was fast, but so much fun! I'm so glad I got to go to conference and feel the spirit of being in the presence of the prophet and the General Authorities!!!

Oh and last week we babysat our niece and nephew William and Gracie and Gracie went and laid on Mark and kept giving him kisses on the cheek so I had to take a pic. It was so darn cute!!!!

If you want to have a good time................

My good friend Audrey just did a post about this website. You HAVE to check it out! It is hilarious!!!!!

peopleofwalmart.com

I was dying!!!

I'm back!!!!!

I know, I know it has been WAY too long. Between our computer being dumb, Mark having tons of homework and always needing the computer and me just being lazy, I have gotten way behind on blogging. But I have make a pledge to keep up on it, so here are a few posts about what's been going on lately!! Enjoy!!!!!

Labor Day weekend

Labor day weekend one of my Favorite mission companions, Candice (sis. Peay) came and stayed with us. I had such a blast with her!! We ate way too much, stayed up way too late, and spent way too much money shopping!!!! It was worth it though. WE hadn't talked in about a year or so, so it was fun catching up. Thanks CAndice for a great weekend!!! Love ya!!!