When Someone You Know is Bereaved

I have a friend named Natalie who I have never met, but has become my friend because we are in the same club. It's not a club that I wish anybody, not even my worst enemy to join though. It is the club of Mother's who have lost their children. But even though we have never met, I truly consider her a friend. I feel like we can totally relate to each other and she has even sent me some very comforting poems and stories. Thanks Natalie!!! I hope one day we can meet. Anyway, on her blog, she posted a list that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! It is a list of things to know when someone you know is bereaved. I so wish I has seen this before I became someone who was bereaved because I was always the "awkward" person who didn't call or give comfort to someone who is bereaved because I didn't know what to say. I thought by leaving them alone I wasn't "bothering"them. Man, was I wrong!!!!!! So Natalie, I hope it is okay, but I wanted to post this list. I will also add some of my own thoughts too.



When Someone you know is Bereaved



1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it's uncomfortable at first, it will become easier. I have read that most people will wait for you to talk about your loved one who has passed because they dont want to hurt you. For me, it is totally the opposite. If you don't mention my sweet baby boy, it hurts more.

2. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know. This is so true. It's hard to really express how you feel when you don't feel someone really cares how you feel.

3. Dont' ever put a timeline on someone's grief. I'm not sure if timeline is the right word to use. I think you will always grieve, but you will heal. (I'm still waiting....:))

4. Love Notes. E-mails. Thinking of you cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards. I like this one because I think losing a loved one is harder the months after the funeral, etc. when everyone else goes back to their lives and you always always always still remember.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this." This is a good one even if you think you know what to say. ha ha

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to. My husband is great at listening to me when I do this. I think I do this one a lot. It is very theraputic to talk about everything that happened with Miles. And I appreciate my wonderful friends and family that let me and just listen without trying to compare my experience to other experiences.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better". They never become completely whole and the loss will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. That one is so true too. Many people think I am "handling this so well". While it may appear that way, I feel like this is absolutely the HARDEST time of my life. I have decided I can either wallow forever in my sorrow and continually drag myself down into the depths of dispair, or I can try to heal. The second option sounds much better. The thought of this affecting the rest of my life is hard too because hurting from this for potentially 60 more years is really hard.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, absent minded, and spacey grief can make someone. I thought I felt that way just because I had just given birth. Come to find out though, going through a traumatic experience does it too. So I apologize if I forget to do something!

9.Accept the fact that you cannot "fix" this for them. Enough said

10. Saying things like, "they are in a better place" can be confusing. While it may be true that Heaven is a beautiful place, it makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good enough. I don't doubt Miles is in a better place at all but......of course I wish he was laying in my arms right now.

11. DO NOT, I stress, DO NOT get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. This is one I am very bad at. But when I am having a bad day and am sad about Miles, sometimes I just don't feel like talking.

12. If you didn't know the person who has passed at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through the stories of those who loved them. I personally LOVE to talk about my cute, sweet, perfect baby boy. I think too when others ask about him, it makes me happy.

13. VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones to someone else's "harder loss". Also dont say statements that start with "at least"................

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you'll see them again" isn't a fix it all. It is true, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now. Amen!!!!

15. Most of all, make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on. I just have to say.......many people have been great about this for me. I appreciate people who just let me talk about how hard this still is for me and who let me talk about Miles!

I wanted to post this not so everyone would do all these things for me, or pity me, I just wanted share something that has helped me!!!!!