I need to vent

I need to let this out.....so to those of you who read this, I'm sorry you will get the brunt of this. I am depressed today. Yes, I went to church, listened to the speakers, went to Young Women's and tried not to be, but I feel depressed. I kept thinking, "why do I feel depressed?". And then it came to me, in about a week, it will be Miles 1st birthday. Or should I say what should be his first birthday. Followed 2 days later by the year anniversary of when he left us. I really thought it wasnt going to be this hard to come upon this, but for the past week it has been. It could also be because I pretty much feel like crap all the time and spend a lot of my time staring into my toilet bowl. I know, you are all probably thinking, "that's a good thing! That means (hopefully) that things are going right with your pregnancy! You should be happy that you are even able to get pregnant, because there are many people who have a hard time." And this I know, I am very grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for my wonderful Dr's who really truly care about me and this baby, and I am grateful that I got pregnant as quickly as I did. But I am scared to death that I wont get to bring this baby home with me either. I know the chances of that are slim, but I'm not dumb enough to think I am now immune to bad things happening to me. As was manifested this last Tuesday when our house was broken into and the dumb guys took about $500 worth of our stuff. That was a bad feeling. I just feel violated. So putting those 2 things together, I feel like I should be praying more. But I just dont want to. I know deep down that it will make me feel better, but I am tired. I am tired of pleading for help from my Heavenly Father. He must be annoyed with me sometimes. I am tired of praying that this pregnancy will go perfect when I know I have no power to make it go perfectly. I feel like even if I pray for it or I dont, it wont matter because the Lord will do His will anyway. I know it is probably bad to think that way, but I cant help it lately. I am having a hard time truly turning my will to the Lord's, because if His will is to take this baby, I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!
Okay, I think I feel much better now. I really just needed to vent. Now that I said all that stuff, I know what I need to work on. My faith and my hope. I need to improve my relationship with the Lord so that I can be happy and enjoy this new life growing inside of me. I know Heavenly Father loves me and He truly does want me to be happy, and 99% of the time I am. I am just having a bad day. So excuse me while I go pray.............

Team Awesome is getting a fourth player!!!!!!

Well I guess since my mom already posted it on her blog and let out the surprise this may not come as a shock to some of you. But..........I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant! We are very excited, but also very nervous. I have already had 2 break downs and had to have a blessing, but I think I have a good feeling about this one. No I know that doesn't necessarily mean that I will get to bring this baby home, but for the most part I have peace that everything will be okay. I have already been feeling sick, and everyone tells me that is good because that means so far things are going right, which I agree, but at the moment I feel that if I dont get to keep this baby here on the earth with me, I dont want to go through this again. But I do feel grateful that I can get pregnant as easy as I can and that I am lucky enough to have one perfect child already. I just want to keep this one here!!!!! So, for me, just pray this one goes 100% better than the last one!!!!!!