Domestic Diva!

I am proud of myself. I know it's wrong to have pride, but I can't help it, I am just dang proud of myself!! While I was on the hospital we moved into a basement apartment by the temple and i decided that it was time that I learned how to be domestic. For those of you who know me well, you know this is a huge deal for me. I don't know how to sew, cook, and all the "normal" homemaking stuff a wife should know how to do. How did I get my husband to marry me? I think he was just blinded my amazing beauty or something. Ha ha. Just kidding. But seriously, his Mom is an amazing seamstress and cook so growing up with that and then marrying me i think has been an adjustment for him. Anyways, back to my domesticness. So I decided I need to learn how to cook and sew and since we live below Mark's sister and her hubby we decided I would cook once a week for us and their family. I have already done it 2x's and I can't tell you how accopmplished I feel when I make a whole meal for a family. It also made me realize I'm not as cooking-challenged as I thought i was. I also decided I wanted to make all of my own cutrains for the house. My mother-in-law offered to do it for me, but I wanted to do it so I could say I made them! So here is a pic of my curtains I made for the Kitchen! I think they turned out pretty good and look good in a kitchen that was made in the 1920's. I know those of you who are really domestic divas probably think that cooking once a week and sewing curtains that just required sewing in a straight line is not a big deal, but I am DANG proud of myself!!! Now I need to pray to be humble. ha ha.

Come What May, and Love It

So after feeling sorry for myself all last week and after reading and re-reading my post from last week, I kept thinking to myself, "okay Ashley, it's time for an additude change because you can't keep feeling sorry for yourself all your life and feeling like it wasn't fair that your baby was temporarily taken away from you." But the problem was, I couldn't get myself out of that funk! I kept praying and praying to know what I should do to not keep getting jealous of other people and to not keep getting sad or upset that this horrible thing happened to me. Because the crazy thing is, it that SOOO many wonderful blessing have come to Mark and I since Miles passed away that were obviously from a Loving Heavenly Father that I was just being dumb thinking things like, "How come this had to happen to me?" So Sunday morning I prayed that I would feel the spirit at chruch and that I could get over this self pity stage. In Relief Society the lesson was on Elder Worthlin's talk, Come What May, and Love It, and it was totally an answer to my prayers. Also, my favorite RS teacher was the one who taught it. I had actually read this talk many times while being on bedrest and in the hospital it just never hit me like it did on Sunday. I learned 2 great things on Sunday after that lesson and then going home and re-reading that talk. #1: When people say we need to be grateful for our trials and "love them" I always say, "uh huh, you are right" but deep down I think, "how in the heck in the moment of dispair and absolute depression right in the middle of a HUGE trial can you be grateful for it?" Elder Worthlin addresses this perfectly. He says, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't-at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneatha cloak of pretented happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life". It was exactly what I needed to hear because I always was confused about how to feel grateful for trials without acting fake. So I realized it's okay to feel sad and depressed sometimes but that if we react in a good way to a trial we will be much happier. So at that moment it changed my whole outlook on "my trial". The other thing that stuck out to me is when he talks about the Priciple of Compensation. I always have known that Heavenly Father will compensate us for our losses, but I never thought of it as a principle of the gospel. It's AMAZING!! The Lord WILL compensate the Faithful for EVERY loss!! my favorite part is where he says, "While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a HUNDREDFOLD with tears of rejoicing and gratitude". A Hundredfold! Isn't that amazing? SO as sad as I have felt some days since losing Miles, I WILL feel a hundred times happier one day. It hit me SO hard when I heard that in RS on Sunday. Even as I read it again now as I write it, I can feel the Spirit confirm that to me again. So as of right now, I don't feel sorry for myself because one day, when I have my sweet little Miles again, it will be a hundred times better. P.S. sorry...this was a really long post!!! :)

My life right now

I have been contemplating writing about this because I don't want anyone to feel weird around me or that it is hard for me to be around my friends. But again I feel like if I share how I am feeling it can be very theraputic for me. So here it goes. I have been doing pretty good lately about everything that happened with my sweet baby boy, and that my life is starting to go back to "normal" (sort of) but I can't help lately but have lots of jealousy. I am jealous of people with healthy, happy kids. Or of people who have or are having completely normal pregnancies. Or people who deliver normally and have normal healthy babies. Now don't get me wrong, I am SOOO happy for them and wish that none of my friends or anyone would have to go through a HORRIBLE pregnancy and losing their baby, but I can't help but feel sad for myself when I sit behind a woman in stake conference with 3 cute little boys and looks about 7 months pregnant and healthy. Or when I get invitations to baby showers or I hear of people I know that have babies. Once again......I hesistated in posting my feelings about this because I don't want to offend anyone. Just know it has nothing to do with you, it's just a stage I am going through. Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself. I want the feeling of holding my baby and feeling unconditional love for him when I watch him sleep, being amazed that he is completely mine! (and Mark's of course). Or the feeling of love as my toddler hugs me and wants no one else but me. Or watcthing him go to kindergarten, go on a mission, and get married!! Now I know one day I will have that and it will be AWESOME! but sometimes I am sad knowing that I can't have it now and that after going through pregnancy, giving birth, recovering from birth, having my milk come in, having the body of someone who just had a baby, the stretch marks, and a HUGE scar that I have nothing to show for it (right now at least). And I hate the feeling of going to our new ward and hardly anyone knows that I am a mother!!! That they just think we are a couple that is waiting to have kids, when we didn't wait!! Not that there is anything wrong with waiting, or that I care what people think of me, I just want everyone to know that I have a baby!!!!!!! So anyway, that is my life right now. Luckily for me, the depression part only comes every so often and I don't cry everyday now, but sometimes I just need to vent my feelings. I just hope i don't offend anyone in the meantime.

Kate Hudson? Or me?......I wish

My sexy look

Kate Hudson's sexy look

So I have a love-hate relationship with bangs. When I do hair, people always ask me what I think about them getting bangs and it is always hard for me to answer because I love them and think they are so cute, but if you are not used to having hair on your forehead they will drive you crazy!!!! Also if you don't style them right, you can end up looking like you have a sausage roll on your forehead (like my bangs in high school, if any of you remember!!!). So I go through stages of loving them and then growing them out, then I get bored of my hair and cut them again (most of the time side swooped bangs) then I see someone who has long pretty hair and no bangs so I try and grow them out. It is one MAD cycle for me!!!! So on Friday night, my dad took Mark and my bro's to the Suns game so me, my mom, and my aunt Deena had a fun filled girl's night and went to dinner and saw that new movie Bride Wars with Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway (which was really cute by the way). The whole time I could not get over KAte Hudson's bangs! I love them!!!! So when I got home that night at about 11pm, I got my scissors out and....here goes the cycle again.......I cut my bangs!!!! I THINK I like them. I just hope I dont look like sausage roll girl!! ha ha. Now I just need to grow out my hair, lose a hundred pounds and then I could look just like Kate Hudson. Ha ha. Knowing me though, I will hate the bangs by next week.. Oh and the hundred pounds thing, that will never happen. What's a girl to do? Oh and by the way, I am doing hair again so if you wanna get it done, let me know!

Oh baby....

I have a sexy husband. What more can I say?

What is going on?

I don't know how to feel today. One of my good friends, Heidi Anderson's 6 week old baby died this morning after fighting for her life for 6 long weeks. Another crazy thing about it, I'm pretty sure it was from kidney failure which is ultimately what Miles died from. Why is this happening so much lately? It seems like everywhere I go I hear about someone who had a pre-mie baby or MAJOR problems in their pregnancy, or their baby died. It makes me terrified to be pregnant ever again! Sometimes I feel like this must be another sign of the times or something. Like there must still be a lot of spirits in the pre-earth life that still need to get their bodies before the second coming but dont necissarily need to stay here so a lot of them are being sent down now to "hurry" and get their bodies. Maybe it's because this just happened to me I am hearing about it a lot, but it just seems to be happening a lot. I just hope it stops happening so much! It is NOT fun!! I am actually feeling pretty happy today, but I just ache for Heidi and her family because I know the road ahead. (Or at least the road ahead for 5 weeks). Obviously this whole thing is still new and very raw for me, but I hope through this experience so far, I can help others who are given this same trial or have to go through having death in their family. In this Wonderful book I am reading (oh and the name of it is "Joy Cometh in the Morning: A story of Healing from the Loss of a Child" by Fran C. Hafen) the woman writing it talks about how through this trial it helped her and her husband be able to comfort others and be there for others who are going through really hard trials when most other people seem to pull away because they don't want to "bother them" or don't know how to react or what to say. I hope that I can be like that. I have found that being the one going through the trial I want others to call me or talk to me. But before going through this when I heard of other people going through hard things I didn't ever call or talk to them because I never knew what to say and I felt akward. But now I know you really don't have to say anything, just be there!!! That is how I feel today, I want to be there for others. I want to have the spirit with me to prompt me to help comfort others. I hope that is one thing Heavenly Father wanted me to learn how to do through going through this.

Randomness!

See #5

See #4

So I have so many thoughts I want to write about so that's why I titled this post randomness. So here it goes:

1. Happy New Year to everyone! I can't believe it is 2009 already! Did I really graduate from high school 8 years ago? Crazy.....I still feel 18......most of the time. Ha ha. Today I felt the need to make New Year's resolutions, so that might be a post to come. Maybe....we will see how I feel. :) 2008 was a crazy year for us, (as you all know) and it seemed to be more like 20 years instead of 1. I told Mark I can't believe we have only been married a year, it seems like way longer! (in a good way of course).

2. The last couple of days have actually been pretty pleasant for me. The 3 before were hard, but the last 2 have been pretty good. I haven't felt that cloud around me as much. I have been reading this awesome book that is one woman's story of healing after losing her baby and it is amazing how much I can relate to her. The best part about readinig this book is that she does heal!!! That brings me so much hope!!! Today I am in much more of a grateful mood than the last time I posted. I am so grateful for all the people who care about me and my little family!!

3. I have the best husband ever! I just don't even know where to start. I have been such an emotional wreck the last 3 months and he is so sympathetic to my needs. Sometimes I feel like he got the crappy end of the deal when he married me because he is always doing nice things for me, taking care of me, letting me cry to him and letting me really tell him how I feel, and he doesn't make me feel bad or crazy for feeling it. Not only that, he is very cute!

4. Last night we went on a date! It was so fun. NOthing out of the ordinary for a date, but it was much needed. WE went to dinner at Gecko grill and then went out to Arzona Mills Mall to see a movie. Some might wonder why we went all the way out there to watch a movie but there is a perfectly good reason! my cute husband loves old video games. He LOVES Ms. Pac-Man and Galaga. For his b-day I bought him this video game thing that you plug into the TV of those 2 games and it was the best $20 I think I have ever spent on him! He loves it. Oh and if you see us at Mesa Frozen yogurt most likely it's because MArk wanted to beat his high score on the Ms. Pac-Man game they have there. But his favorite game is Police Trainer!!!! And they just happen to have that game at the Harkins at Arizona Mills Mall. SO that's why we go there. It is actually a very fun game, but I can never make it past the 1st level, but my studly husband is amazing at this game!!!! So it was a lot of fun to watch him play this game last night. Great job Sargeant Huston!!!!! Oh and we saw the movie Yes Man. It was hilarious!! I am not a huge Jim Carrey fan, but this movie was great. I would definately recommend it!!! We then came home and watched 5 episodes of Arrested Developement. (we borrowed season 1 from MArk's bro). Another funny show that i would recommend!! So It was a great night!!!!

5. I love that pic of MArk holding MAtthew our nephew, so I had to post it!!! Matthew was born about 6 weeks before Miles and we all believe they were buddies in the pre-existance!

So these are my random thoughts for the day! I am happy, and I love it!! I just hope it lasts....:)