I need to let this out.....so to those of you who read this, I'm sorry you will get the brunt of this. I am depressed today. Yes, I went to church, listened to the speakers, went to Young Women's and tried not to be, but I feel depressed. I kept thinking, "why do I feel depressed?". And then it came to me, in about a week, it will be Miles 1st birthday. Or should I say what should be his first birthday. Followed 2 days later by the year anniversary of when he left us. I really thought it wasnt going to be this hard to come upon this, but for the past week it has been. It could also be because I pretty much feel like crap all the time and spend a lot of my time staring into my toilet bowl. I know, you are all probably thinking, "that's a good thing! That means (hopefully) that things are going right with your pregnancy! You should be happy that you are even able to get pregnant, because there are many people who have a hard time." And this I know, I am very grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for my wonderful Dr's who really truly care about me and this baby, and I am grateful that I got pregnant as quickly as I did. But I am scared to death that I wont get to bring this baby home with me either. I know the chances of that are slim, but I'm not dumb enough to think I am now immune to bad things happening to me. As was manifested this last Tuesday when our house was broken into and the dumb guys took about $500 worth of our stuff. That was a bad feeling. I just feel violated. So putting those 2 things together, I feel like I should be praying more. But I just dont want to. I know deep down that it will make me feel better, but I am tired. I am tired of pleading for help from my Heavenly Father. He must be annoyed with me sometimes. I am tired of praying that this pregnancy will go perfect when I know I have no power to make it go perfectly. I feel like even if I pray for it or I dont, it wont matter because the Lord will do His will anyway. I know it is probably bad to think that way, but I cant help it lately. I am having a hard time truly turning my will to the Lord's, because if His will is to take this baby, I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!
Okay, I think I feel much better now. I really just needed to vent. Now that I said all that stuff, I know what I need to work on. My faith and my hope. I need to improve my relationship with the Lord so that I can be happy and enjoy this new life growing inside of me. I know Heavenly Father loves me and He truly does want me to be happy, and 99% of the time I am. I am just having a bad day. So excuse me while I go pray.............
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8 comments:
I'd feel the EXACT same way you do givin your circumstances. Don't feel bad for feeing the way you do. It's gotta be natural to have all those emotions and feelings going thru you. It probably won't be the last time either. Until you have that heathy baby in your arms, I think your faith is going to be tried thru-out this pregnancy. I don't know how many times I have to say this, BUT REMEMBER YOUR DREAM!!!!!! It wasn't just a "dream." Your one of the strongest people I know, I pray for you daily. Keep the faith! Love ya sis!
I really don't know what to say to you because I don't understand AT ALL!!! But I just want you to know that I read your post and am aware of your feelings and frustration! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers at this time in your life! Happy Thanksgiving!
Love you Ash. You know I'm here for you. I miss him too.
There are many many prayers going out for you and this little one every day. So no shortage there.
If it's prayers that'll ensure everything will go well this time, it's a shoe in.
Just take one day at a time. That's all you can do. One day at a time!
It is totally ok to be angry and depressed sometimes!
I think that it's natural for what you're going through. I still curse God some days for taking mom, and then I apologize (sometimes). Just know that we're thinking of you and praying for you too! I'm glad you have a place to vent.
I'm guessing that the combination of his birthday, death date, and the holidays coming up is pretty horrible. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. Losing a child is just such a LONELY circumstance to be in. I know the Lord is aware of how you feel, even if it is hard to feel that sometimes. Love ya.
Oh Asley, I am so sorry. Its ok to feel like that although we don't want to be depressed. believe me, other than the break in I went through all those emotions just a few weeks ago at Harry's 1 year. Its so hard to believe its been that long and then to be pregnant again is so wonderful yet hard at the same time. And what jerks to break into your house, how awful I hope they didn't take anything to important. Hang in there girly. I promise, its like a weight lifted off your shoulders when you pass the year mark. It's peace, its comfort, I hope you feel that way. I think the emotions of pregnancy weigh on us as well. I am so sorry again. If you need to vent or talk you can email me anytime or call for that matter. Love ya. HOpefully the sickness part passes soon.
tamaw@msn.com.
APril
Love you Ash!! You're the best! You're tough and beautiful and awesome! Love you!
Heather
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