Happy Birthday Miles.....I miss you

Dear Miles,
WOW! I cant believe it has been a year since you came into this world. I want you to know that I will forever be changed because of you. I never knew how much I could love a child until I met you. Last year Dec. 1st was such a whirlwind of a day. I remember at about noon I had been hooked up to a Fetal monitor for about 2 hours and you just wouldn't move around! Which was so weird for you, because you were one crazy, active boy, even without having any fluid to move around in. The nurses tried everything to get you to wake up but you wouldn't. Finally they wanted to put me on oxygen to see if that would get you moving, but I really had to go to the bathroom, so they let me do that first. To my suprise, the umbilical cord came out of me! Well, the nurse told me I would have to be delivered right then......it was then that it seemed like all hell broke loose! There were instantly like 10 nurses in my room running around yelling moving my bed as fast as they could to the delivery room. I remember thinking, I should probably be freaking out right now, but I was totally calm. I am so grateful that Heavenly Fahter sent the spirit to comfort me at that time. Luckily when all this happened, your grandma Dahl had just showed up so she was able to call daddy to hurry up and come. I am so grateful she was there with me, even thought they wouldnt let her in the delivery room. Once we were in the delivery room it seemed like there was a hundred people in there!!!! I remember Dr. Spence coming in and holding my hand telling me she would take good care of us and that everything was going to be okay. well, they quickly put me under and within a few minutes......you were here!! I am also so grateful I was put under for the C-section because daddy told me later that you were not breathing and you had no heartbeat when you were born. Luckily we had the best Dr's and they were able to get you going again!!! I woke up about an hour later with NO pain medication, feeling like I had just been hit by a Semi-truck. Your daddy was there when I woke up and the first thing I asked was how you were doing. We didn't know anything yet, so he told me you were doing good, and I'm so glad he did that. The nurses got me all cleaned up, all drugged up and then they took me to see you! I had never felt so much love and joy at that moment I saw you. You were so tiny, and had so many tubes coming out of you, but to me you looked perfect. Well, they needed to get to work on you so they took me to my room and what a long day that was!!! You had so many visitors that day! SO many people were so excited to meet you. I remember feeling so relieved that no longer was my body in charge of you. I now feel guilty about that. What I wouldn't give now to have been pregnant for another year to have you here!!!! I want yo to know how much I know your Daddy loves you. He constantly went up to see you all day that day. I wish so badly I could have spent more time with you while you were alive, but everyone keeps telling me that wouldn't have been possible because of what I had just gone through. It was only a few hours after you were born that we met one of your Dr's, Dr.Weng. We didn't like her at first, but we grew to love her. She cared about you so much Miles. Sadly, when we met her she came to tell us you probably weren't going to make it. I have never prayed so hard for someone in my whole life! I wanted you so bad. I wanted to hold you and kiss you! That night one of the other Dr's came to tell us you were doing worse, so we decided to ask our bishop if we could give you a name and a blessing. At that time, Uncle Clint and Aunt Alison were there. I wanted to be up in your room when they did it, but it would have taken too long to get me there so the wonderful nurses let daddy call me on our cell phones and put them on speaker phone so I could hear. Your Daddy gave you such a beautiful blessing! I was so glad Clint and Alison were there. Aunt Alison stayed with me and she was able to write down a lot of what Daddy said. We didn't get much sleep that night because the Dr's and nurses came in a lot to update us on you. You were such a fighter!!!
Miles, my sweet baby boy, I hope you know how much I love you!! I think about you everyday. I still get sad sometimes, but I am grateful to know you are mine forever!! I know that we will get all the tender moments I want one day. I hope you are happy and you know you will always be "Our Little Soldier".
Love ALWAYS,
Mommy