Today was a great day. Both Mark and I had the day off so we were able to spend the whole day together. This morning I woke up and Mark wasn't in bed, so I went into the living room to find him on the couch. He was already awake so I laid down next to him and the first thing he said was, "tomorrow will be 6 months huh". Of course I knew immediately, that yes, tomorrow will be six months since Miles passed away. Mark then told me he missed Miles and that he wanted to go to the cemetery to "visit" him. This made my heart happy!! I know that Mark loves and misses Miles, but typically it is me bringing him up or wanting to visit him at the cemetery. I have heard that when you lose a baby, this is pretty normal, but I was so happy when Mark suggested it. So, we ran some errands and then went to the cemetery. I was happy that all the little things I decorated his headstone with were still there. I had to take some pictures of my wonderful husband as he looked at Miles' headstone, this is the closest I can get to any pictures of my 2 boys!!! I am so grateful for my husband. He has been an absolutely wonderful support to me throughout this HUGE trial. I know he is sad a lot too, but he always lets me cry on his shoulder. I have heard that when you lose a child it can either make or break a marriage. I really feel that this is true, and it has definately made our marriage. I feel like we are closer than ever. I really dont know what I would do without Mark. I am so grateful that we are sealed for time and all eternity so that I can be with him and Miles forever!!
On another note.......at Girls camp I had the opportunity to do some thinking. I have been slacking so much on my personal scripture reading and praying. I had decided that when I got home from camp, I needed to make some new personal goals. I had also thought a lot about everything that happened with Miles and I truly feel that I am at a point where I have accepted it and I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that He didn't take Miles away to punish me. (Not that I dont still get sad sometimes). I feel like I have overcome a lot. But at the same time, the thought of being pregnant again still terrifies me like nothing else!!! I want so badly to have a baby right now, but my fear outweighs that desire by like a hundred. So I decided I really need to work on having more faith in the Lord. I know He cant promise me that my next pregnancy will be perfect, but I need to trust Him more that He will give me what's best for me. So on Sunday I was reading a talk from General Conference by Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy called, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and something he said hit me hard!!! He says, "If we desire more faith, we must be more obedient............Faith requires an attitude of EXACT obedience, even in the small, simple things". It was just amazing to me how the 2 things I know I need to work on, relate so well to each other. I knew at that moment that if I am better at the "small" things, my faith will increase more than I can comprehend. I am grateful that Heavenly Father helped me realized how I can better myself and prepare myself for things to come.
7 comments:
I'm glad you shared that quote...thank you! I know it's been a lot longer for us, but we are dealing with some of the same feelings about me becoming pregnant again. Today Lincoln & I were talking about how we don't even think of my being pregnant as a real possibility...it doesn't seem attainable. It's not that we don't believe it can happen, but our brains don't let us think it will I guess. That probably sounds bad, but I'm sure you know what I'm saying! Just like you feel like you've healed over 6 months time, even more time helps that much more. I'm in a totally different place with Jackson's death(in a good way) than I was even a year ago. Hang in there...I'm so sorry you have to deal with losing him and missing him and all of the feelings & fears that go along with that!
oh sheesh - you made me cry at work. you're awesome. peace and love.
You are such a rock. When I read your blog I am always amazed at your strength and optimism. I don't know how you do it. You, believe it or not, are an inspiration to me, and no matter what I might be going through, something you says always hits me hard, where I need to hear it. Thank you so much!
You feelings that you shared help people in ways you may never know. You trials and feelings that you share have heled me and make me stronger to make it through my own. You are such a great person.
i love how open you are, it puts things in great perspective for me. I abbsolutely loved that quote. I know that no one is perfect...so i need to try harder as well. xoxo miss ya. havent seen ya around lately. hopefully soon
You really are an example of strength and optimism. Thanks for sharing! Love ya!
Hi Ashley, I am new to your blog, but I love it! That is such a great quote...I know I really needed to hear that as well :) I am glad to hear that you are doing well, I am so inspired by your positive attitude in the midst of some really heavy trials. We love you guys!
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