Happy late Christmas everyone! I hope your Christmas was as great as mine was. I sat on Christmas and thought about the difference between this Christmas and last Christmas and wow, this one was much better! I love the feeling at Christmas time! Sorry I dont have any pics of Christmas, I forgot my camera!!!!! ha ha.
Now on to other business. I have been meaning to write this for a while, but I've just been lazy about it. On Dec. 3rd, I was going to write about the day Miles passed away, but when that day came, I was doing so good, feeling so happy, I didnt want to write it that day. Not that I am doing bad now, but I really feel that it is important not to forget to write about that crazy, sad, amazing, spiritual day. So here it goes........
Wednesday December 3rd, 2008 is definately a day I would NEVER want to go back to, but I never want to forget. Mark woke up really early and went to check on Miles and everything was still the same. I remember being nervous every time he went up to the NICU to see him, for fear they would tell us more bad news. But they didn't that time. Yea! So a little later I got up, and tried to get myself a little presentable, (which took a while, for those of you who have had a C-section, you know why!) so that we could go see Miles. After we visited him we were going to go to the cafeteria to eat breakfast, which for me would be like juice or something, because they don't let you eat solid foods for a few days after a C-section. So we headed on up to the NICU. As we were going in to see Miles, his wonderful Dr, Dr. Weng met us in the hallway. She said, " I need to talk to you guys, unfortunately I have some bad news.". My heart just sank. We had gone from the night before where he was doing just a teeny bit better, to more bad news. She then proceeded to tell us that that morning they did a CT scan on him because he was bleeding internally and they thought it was in the brain, which fortunately he wasn't, but they had found that he was missing the Septum in his brain. She then told us he could live without it, but he would most likely be blind (okay, I can handle that), he would have to have hormone treatments his whole life because the Septum controls all of your hormones (can I handle that? At the time I didn't know enough about hormones and that stuff to know just how serious that is, and I now believe Miles' life would have been awful just for this reason alone, not to montion all the other health reasons), and that if he got sick, even with a common cold it could kill him (k, I dont know if I can handle that). She also told us that they had been working really hard on getting him to pee but nothing was working and that there was nothing else they could do for him, and that if he didn't pee in the next 24 hours, his organs would shut down. She also said that since he hadn't peed yet, he probably wont. She then siad we needed to start making decisions on whether or not we wanted them to resusitate (sp?) him if he started to die, which she recommended not doing because it would be painful for him and it would just prolong the fact that that he would probably die anyway. We also needed to decide if we wanted them to take him off life support if that time came that he was brain dead, etc. Now I know how I wrote this makes Miles' Dr sound like she's not very compasionate, but she was trying really hard not to break down telling us all of this. This part of the day is exactly why I NEVER want to go back to this day. After she told us all of this, I have never felt so devistated and helpless in my life. I wanted nothing more for a miracle to happen for our little Miles. So Dr. Weng took us to a private room where we could cry, which we both did, A LOT, for a long time. We then called our parents and had them come down to help us decide what to do. Luckily, both Mark and I had the same opinion about what to do, and now thinking about it, that was a huge blessing because it would have been a nightmare had we disagreed (not that is wasn't already a nightmare). So both our parents got there in about 20 minutes and we had a prayer and talked about what to do. We decided that Mark, my Dad, and my Father-in-law would give Miles a blessing that his kidneys would start working, but if they didn't and he started to go, we would take that as it was Heavenly Father's will that he not stay here, so we would not resusitate. I can honestly say, once we made that decision, I felt so much peace! It was amazing! I knew that we were doing what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. So by this time, both of our families started showing up and they had us all go into the waiting room, because they said it probably wouldn't be that long until he passed away. During those couple of hours, I felt the spirit comforting me so much and I actually felt okay knowing my little baby would not stay here with me for now. Sometimes now i think, how in the heck did I feel that way? But i know it's because the spirit was so strong. Finally, a nurse came in and said, "Mom and Dad, it's time". Wow, how I hate those words! We went down the hall where a loud siren with flashing blue lights were going off indicating i guess that someone was dying. We went into the room where Miles was
and they had cleared out all the other babies so we could have a private moment, and it was then I got to hold my beautiful baby for the first time. I actually do wish sometimes I could go back to this time. I want so badly to hold Miles again and kiss him and sing to him. While I held him the wonderful nurses took pictures and did everything so calmly. As one machine would go off, they would turn it down, so it wouldn't scare us. They were so sweet to us. It was hard to see them cry as we held our baby but I'm grateful they were there to help Miles. I am grateful that they kept reasurring me that he wasn't in any pain. After about 10 minutes I let Mark hold him and right about then, they let all of our family in to be there with us. I am so grateful to have such a loving supportive family that was there for us during this. I am so glad they were there. So during the last about 10 minutes he was alive, my mom, my sis-in-law Debbie, and some of the nurses took TONs of pictures. I am so glad they did that. Those pictures are now my most prized possesion. It was weird during all this time because I didn't cry at all. I can say too that in that little room, the spirit was stronger than I have ever felt it. It felt like the veil was so thin, and that there were many people there to come and get and take care of my little Miles. I wish I could feel that again. Later, Miles' Dr said we were the most calm she has ever seen any parents that had a baby die. I like to think it's because we know the wonderful Plan of Salvation and we knew exactly where Miles was going. So finally I saw one of the nurses hand Dr. Weng a note and she came over with her stethiscope and felt his heart. She then told us he was gone. That was really hard to hear, that your child is gone. If I remember right his exact death time was 2:10pm. By that time i was in a lot of pain so my mom and my mother-in-law gave him a bath and dressed him. We then had the whole rest of the day to hold him and love him. You would think it would be weird to hold a baby that is dead, but it wasn't at all. I am grateful I got to hold him as long as I did. We had lots of visitors that day and I am grateful for all the friends and family we have that showed us so much support. We also had a professional photographer from a groupl called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come and take professional pictures of him and us and another lady came and took hand and feet molds of him. Really, the rest of the day was really good and I didn't cry again until I went back to my room knowing my baby was gone. I remember too my nurses were a little afraid to come and talk to me. I thought that was funny.
So there you go, that is everything I remember from Dec.3rd, 2008. I am so grateful that Miles is ours forever, and I have great Hope that we will be together again. I like to think that he is with his brother or sister right now, training them on what it's going to be like here. I wish we didn't have to go through this experience, but because we did, I am grateful for the things it has taught me, and I am grateful that it has made Mark and I's marriage even stronger. There have been many, many hard days since that day, but I am grateful to say that it's true waht they say, that time does heal all wounds.
P.S. when I find the cord to our camera, I have pictures of what we did to celebrate Miles' birthday!!!
Our nephew Bryant got picked to be trained as a Jedi knight! Here he is fighting Darth Vader. He was so cute doing all the moves!!!
Me and Mark on Autopia. One of the few rides I went on. 
Miles' headstone.........upside down :)
Miles' headstone again...
My Daddy-o Sammy-J turned the big 5-0 on November 5, 2009. Here he is at his big b-day bash with my uncle John. John told funny stories about him. It was a fun party, but I was newly preggo so I was pretty sick.
For Halloween, my friend Brittney and I threw a Halloween party for the young couples in our ward. It turned out really good, but we ended up moving the same week and it was right when I was starting to feel sick. I had fun dressing up with Mark. He was hilarious in this costume, it's like being in tights made him a totally outgoing goofball! It was a lot of fun!!!
I may have already posted about this but if not.........for Mark's spanish class for an assignment they learned about Day of the Dead. For the assignment he had to make an alter for a person who has passed away and it was displayed at one of the museums at ASU. So of course he did it about Miles. It turned out really good and he got a good grade on it too!!!!
