Word Vomit...warning..long post!

Okay, so I have had several people ask me how Mark and I are doing lately. At first I wanted to just put on my happy face all the time and just fake it till I make it with being happy, but the other day I came across a blog of a girl that I went to beauty school with who lost her 2 year old daughter over the summer. I love her blog because she is completely honest everyday about how she is feeling. I have heard too, that if I am honest about how I am feeling and express it, it will help more with the grieving process. So here it goes.......First off though, I want to say that there are so many times that the spirit comforts me, that my wonderful husband comforts me, that certain friends comfort me by just letting me vent, and that my family comforts me. There are lots of times that I feel very happy and that I am totally content with the fact that my baby is in the Spirit World being a great missionary and that he is needed there. But sometimes, okay, a lot of times, I am just sad!! I want him!!! How is it fair that Mom's who are on drugs or who don't want their babies can keep them but I cant. Even sometimes when I am not thinking about Miles I just feel like there is a huge cloud over me. And sometimes simple things overwhelm me. For instance, yesterday I called the hospital to talk to someone about getting our hospital bills set up on a payment plan and they kept transferring me to someone else, and no one had any sympathy for me. Not that they knew my circumstances but dang it, be nice to me!!! SO I got off the phone and I just lost it!!! It's just weird. I am definately going through a weird period in my life. After talking to grievance councelors and reading a book that the hospital gave us about losing your baby I have come to realize though that I'm not going crazy, that all these weird feelings are completely normal. So that makes me feel good. But I'm not going to lie, it's just hard! Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how well I am handling this trial, but a lot of times I feel like my head is barely above the water and I am treading so hard but I cant get any higher above the water. I tell you all this, not for more sympathy, but just so you know that if you see me and I randomly start crying, I am okay, I will get through this!!!! I read my scriptures this morning for about an hour and I feel really good today. Last night we went to the hospital to pick up more pictures of Miles and I thought it would be really hard, but it brought me great comfort! So even though this is hard, the Lord does comfort me!!! One thing I have learned through this too is that me and Mark grieve differently. He gets sad too, but I think because I am sad a lot, he is the one who feels like he needs to comfort me and he does an amazing job at that. That is one of the many blessings that have come from this trial, our marriage is so much stronger and we have so much deeper love for one another. I love Mark so much! He is so patient with me and always wants to do what makes me happy. And the feeling is always mutual! I can't imagine my life without him. I have also learned that there are so many good people in this world!!! I can't tell you how much love and support we have recieved through all of this! So even though this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I would never wish it upon my worst enemy, lots of good things have come from it too. I am grateful for my life, we have so many blessings, just sometimes it gets hard for me to see them through the clouds, but they are there! I just have to keep looking for them!!!