I need to vent

I need to let this out.....so to those of you who read this, I'm sorry you will get the brunt of this. I am depressed today. Yes, I went to church, listened to the speakers, went to Young Women's and tried not to be, but I feel depressed. I kept thinking, "why do I feel depressed?". And then it came to me, in about a week, it will be Miles 1st birthday. Or should I say what should be his first birthday. Followed 2 days later by the year anniversary of when he left us. I really thought it wasnt going to be this hard to come upon this, but for the past week it has been. It could also be because I pretty much feel like crap all the time and spend a lot of my time staring into my toilet bowl. I know, you are all probably thinking, "that's a good thing! That means (hopefully) that things are going right with your pregnancy! You should be happy that you are even able to get pregnant, because there are many people who have a hard time." And this I know, I am very grateful that I am pregnant. I am grateful for my wonderful Dr's who really truly care about me and this baby, and I am grateful that I got pregnant as quickly as I did. But I am scared to death that I wont get to bring this baby home with me either. I know the chances of that are slim, but I'm not dumb enough to think I am now immune to bad things happening to me. As was manifested this last Tuesday when our house was broken into and the dumb guys took about $500 worth of our stuff. That was a bad feeling. I just feel violated. So putting those 2 things together, I feel like I should be praying more. But I just dont want to. I know deep down that it will make me feel better, but I am tired. I am tired of pleading for help from my Heavenly Father. He must be annoyed with me sometimes. I am tired of praying that this pregnancy will go perfect when I know I have no power to make it go perfectly. I feel like even if I pray for it or I dont, it wont matter because the Lord will do His will anyway. I know it is probably bad to think that way, but I cant help it lately. I am having a hard time truly turning my will to the Lord's, because if His will is to take this baby, I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!
Okay, I think I feel much better now. I really just needed to vent. Now that I said all that stuff, I know what I need to work on. My faith and my hope. I need to improve my relationship with the Lord so that I can be happy and enjoy this new life growing inside of me. I know Heavenly Father loves me and He truly does want me to be happy, and 99% of the time I am. I am just having a bad day. So excuse me while I go pray.............

Team Awesome is getting a fourth player!!!!!!

Well I guess since my mom already posted it on her blog and let out the surprise this may not come as a shock to some of you. But..........I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant! We are very excited, but also very nervous. I have already had 2 break downs and had to have a blessing, but I think I have a good feeling about this one. No I know that doesn't necessarily mean that I will get to bring this baby home, but for the most part I have peace that everything will be okay. I have already been feeling sick, and everyone tells me that is good because that means so far things are going right, which I agree, but at the moment I feel that if I dont get to keep this baby here on the earth with me, I dont want to go through this again. But I do feel grateful that I can get pregnant as easy as I can and that I am lucky enough to have one perfect child already. I just want to keep this one here!!!!! So, for me, just pray this one goes 100% better than the last one!!!!!!

Conference Weekend

Conference weekend, Mark and I got to go to Utah for our Mission Reunions and Conference! I had never been to conference so I was so excited to go!!! We had a great time and I loved it! On our way up we stopped in Vegas and stayed with some friends that live there. So we went to dinner at New York New York on the strip, so here is me and Mark there.

Here is me, Mark, Stacey, and Richard. And contrary to what you may think, no I am not pregnant. After uploading all these pictures I realize I hate them all....but hey, I guess you need to document even the fat years!! ha ha.

Here's Mark playing his dollar in the slots! He even won $2!

I didnt win anything :(

At my mission reunion!!! It was awesome seeing so many missionaries I served with that I hadn't seen in over 2 years. Here is me and Kristine (one of my companions) and her cute baby boy Kanyon.

Here is me with the other Christine. We were never companions, but we were in the MTC together and got to be very close.

The whole group!

Me and Kathy, my MTC companion and companion again at 6 months! Oh and the reason you dont see Mark in any of these is because he left to go to his reunion. I didnt want to miss out on seeing anyone!

Me after the Saturday morning session of conference on top of the conference center. It was so good, as you can tell by the lack of makeup that was cried off during the session. I'm such a baby!!

I hate this pic of me sooo much, but it was the only one of me and Mark at conference. You cant tell but that is the conference center behind us.

I had to get a pic of the protestors. They were funny. I wanted to get a pic of this one guy. He was dressed as satan and had a sign that said something like, "all these guys are my disciples, listen to them if you want to be miserable" or something like that. It was so funny!

Oh and during the priesthood session, me, my mom, my aunt Lorraine, and my cousins Heidi and Lori and their kids, and one of my companions Kristine went to the most amazing store ever......Tai Pan!! It is like Disneyland for house decor. You will be shocked and amazed that I didn't buy one thing!!!! I'm so proud of myself!!!

That trip was fast, but so much fun! I'm so glad I got to go to conference and feel the spirit of being in the presence of the prophet and the General Authorities!!!

Oh and last week we babysat our niece and nephew William and Gracie and Gracie went and laid on Mark and kept giving him kisses on the cheek so I had to take a pic. It was so darn cute!!!!

If you want to have a good time................

My good friend Audrey just did a post about this website. You HAVE to check it out! It is hilarious!!!!!

peopleofwalmart.com

I was dying!!!

I'm back!!!!!

I know, I know it has been WAY too long. Between our computer being dumb, Mark having tons of homework and always needing the computer and me just being lazy, I have gotten way behind on blogging. But I have make a pledge to keep up on it, so here are a few posts about what's been going on lately!! Enjoy!!!!!

Labor Day weekend

Labor day weekend one of my Favorite mission companions, Candice (sis. Peay) came and stayed with us. I had such a blast with her!! We ate way too much, stayed up way too late, and spent way too much money shopping!!!! It was worth it though. WE hadn't talked in about a year or so, so it was fun catching up. Thanks CAndice for a great weekend!!! Love ya!!!

Sept. 11th

My patriotic hubby

Yikes! Nice back pic....

The night before Sept. 11th, Mark said he wanted to take me on a suprise date. I cant stand being in suspense so finally I made him tell me. SO we rode the light rail to Tempe Town lake where they had flags everywhere!!!! They had a flag for each person who died on Sept. 11th, along with a card telling about each person on each flag. It was really cool to see all these flags, but really sad when you saw just how many there were and when you read some of the explanations about each person it made it even more sad. AS i think back to Sept.11, 2001 I remember still being in bed when my mom came and woke me up and told me to come watch the video of the 1st tower being hit. AS we watched to news for a while we watched as the second one was hit. What a crazy surreal moment!!!! Unfortunately, I was a selfish 18 year old and didn't really think too deeply about the effects of that day. Now after losing someone I love, I ache for the people who lost love ones in that terrible tragedy. I cant even imagine how scary it would have been to not know for days if your loved one was buried alive or dead in the rubble. I hope each one of the people who have lost someone know of the healing power of the Atonement and have taken advantage of it.

We then went walking down Mill Ave. and listened to the street performers. I guess they are going to have that now every Thursday night so you should check it out. Mark had heard of this place that makes homemade Ice cream sandwiched so we went there and split one and it was dang good!

That night was so fun and a very cheap date!!! WE only had to pay for my light rail ticket and he ice cream sandwich! Thanks babe for the fun night!!!