Sometimes life is just hard....and sometimes I just don't like it.

Hey everyone.....I am a slacker!! We went on a trip last weekend and I haven't had a chance to post about it. It has been a crazy week. I am just sick of hospitals, people being sick and on the verge of death!!!! My grandpa Whatcott (my mom's dad) had a heart attack and a stroke all in the same night last week. So for the last few days, he has been fighting for his life. Today my grandma and all their children decided after many talks with doctors, nurses, etc (and prayer) to move him to hospice. It's not looking good at all for him. THey said judging by the signs he is showing, he will pass away probably in the next day or two. I know that I am proabably being selfish, but I really am kinda having a hard time with this and can hardly bring myself to go into his room. It is hard for me to see him hooked up to machines and breathing shallow, and for me to be around when my grandma and aunts and uncles are trying to make decisions on things like resusitation and life support. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel guilty about not hanging around the hospital because I just had to watch my baby go through the dying process and watch him breath shallow and watch him be hooked up to machines just 3 months ago, but I still cant help but feel guilty about not wanting to be there. I am so grateful to know that my grandpa will be in a better place (with Miles!!) but I cant help but ache for my grandma. I have watched her break down and cry 3 times in the last 3 days and even though I dont know what it's like to lose a spouse (and I hope I never will! I told MArk at age 70 we are going to die in a car accident together! ha ha) I do know the pain(and it literally feels like pain sometimes) you feel when losing someone close to you. I don't want her to have to go through that. I dont want my mom to feel sad that her dad is gone either. I have decided that I am afraid of death. Not afraid of dying, but afraid of the separation death brings. It is just hard!!!!! I am afraid of the fact that as I get older more and more people I am close to will die and I will be separated from them. While it is VERY comforting to know where they are and that I will see them again, it is still hard to be away from them. Anyway, this is just me rambling about how I am feeling right now. I hope my blog isn't getting too depsessing!!! I really do have happy moments too. (I have 2 posts coming that are some very happy time!). It's just been a hard few days for me. OH and today Miles would have been 3 months old. I just miss him too. A healthy beautiful baby was blessed today in our ward, and we had a lesson in young womens on our divine roles as women and talked about having children a lot. Both those things were hard. Sometimes life is just hard.....and sometimes I just don't like it.