I haven't posted in a couple weeks, so I decided it was about time. I don't really have anything exciting that has happened lately, but I have been feeling so many emotions lately that I wanted to share. For the last while I have just been bitter. Bitter about everything with Miles. Even though deep down I knew it had nothing to do with this, I just couldn't believe Heavenly Father would let something so bad happen to me. I thought that since I tried to be a good member of the church, served a mission, married a returned missionary, etc, that why would he "punish" me with taking Miles away from me. Not that I am that great at being a good member of the church or a great missionary, but I do try. Anyway, after feeling bitter and even having a hard time being in Young Womens where we were having lessons about Motherhood, being a good Homemaker, etc, I had a breakthrough! Heavenly Father showed me the great amount of Love He has for me.
While we were in Washington, we had the opportunity to talk with the Bishop of the Royal City 1st ward and his wife. In talking with them, we found out they lost their first baby boy, who had to be born at 25 weeks because her water broke, and he only lived for 7 days. It was crazy how our circumstances were very similar. They have gone on to have 5 more kids, every pregnany being totally and perfectly fine! That was music to my ears! I just needed to meet someone who had gone through what we had and know that things will be okay. I felt like it was a Tender Mercy from the Lord that we were able to talk to them and we exchanged info so I can e-mail them anytime I need to talk.
Then the next Sunday, we had Stake Conference. That morning I woke up feeling a little down and just pleaded with Heavenly Father that someone would say something that I would know would be just for me. We had a visiting General authority, aa member of the 70 named Elder Webb who spoke last. For 45 minutes he talked about how even though we may be trying our best to be good members of the church we will still have major trials and feel major pain. He said that he felt strongly that he needed to talk on that subject that day. As soon as he started talking I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of my trials and the extreme amount of heart ache and pain I have felt over the last few months. I balled all through his talk that even my shirt got all wet! And even now as I type this and remember how I felt that day, I cant help but cry!
After those 2 experiences I felt like I came alive again! I Feel like I am starting to be myself a little more again and that I am not totally defined by my experience of losing Miles. I am starting to feel the spirit again and to be happy! I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that somehow, I'm not sure how, but I think I am starting to allow the Atonement to work in my life. I feel a little bit like my heart is healing. I am starting to love to be around kids and babies and cant wait for the day I can bring my next baby home. (Okay, I can wait, but it will be a happy day). Last night I was picturing in my head delivering my next baby and having the doctor place that baby in my arms and just crying because I am so happy to have a happy, beautiful, healthy baby that I can take home and love. I cant wait to have the experience of rocking my baby to sleep and having them cuddle up to me and get a huge grin on their face when I walk in the room. I watch our nieces and nephews be that way with their parents and I can't wait to have that feeling! Dont get me wrong, I still get sad a lot, like last night I just missed Miles and am sad that I dont get to hug and cuddle him for the time being, but I feel like when I feel down, it's not as bad or for not as long. I am starting to feel happiness more often than I feel sad. I no longer feel the need to talk about Miles all day long to everyone I see. I still do want to talk to him, but I dont feel the need to talk about him to remember how much I love him. I love my baby boy so much, and I am so grateful to know that if I do my best, I will be able to rock him to sleep, cuddle with him and see him light up when I come in the room. I will just have to wait a while. Before I didn't think I could handle that, but i think now that I can with the help of the Atonement and Christ!
So we finally got Miles' headstone put in and it looks great! Finally, after I couldnt stand to go look at a pile of dirt, it's in! Now I just wish the grass would hurry and grow in. I don't know why, but i feel so much better knowing Miles' headstone is in. I think it helped me accept it a little more. It's actually been good lately. For the most part I have really good days! Only a few bad one's here and there. It's amazing how when you decide to change your attitude how much happier you are. I do have to admit though, I get a little anxiety wondering how Mother's day will be. I hope it's a good day. :)
