Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My life right now
I have been contemplating writing about this because I don't want anyone to feel weird around me or that it is hard for me to be around my friends. But again I feel like if I share how I am feeling it can be very theraputic for me. So here it goes. I have been doing pretty good lately about everything that happened with my sweet baby boy, and that my life is starting to go back to "normal" (sort of) but I can't help lately but have lots of jealousy. I am jealous of people with healthy, happy kids. Or of people who have or are having completely normal pregnancies. Or people who deliver normally and have normal healthy babies. Now don't get me wrong, I am SOOO happy for them and wish that none of my friends or anyone would have to go through a HORRIBLE pregnancy and losing their baby, but I can't help but feel sad for myself when I sit behind a woman in stake conference with 3 cute little boys and looks about 7 months pregnant and healthy. Or when I get invitations to baby showers or I hear of people I know that have babies. Once again......I hesistated in posting my feelings about this because I don't want to offend anyone. Just know it has nothing to do with you, it's just a stage I am going through. Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself. I want the feeling of holding my baby and feeling unconditional love for him when I watch him sleep, being amazed that he is completely mine! (and Mark's of course). Or the feeling of love as my toddler hugs me and wants no one else but me. Or watcthing him go to kindergarten, go on a mission, and get married!! Now I know one day I will have that and it will be AWESOME! but sometimes I am sad knowing that I can't have it now and that after going through pregnancy, giving birth, recovering from birth, having my milk come in, having the body of someone who just had a baby, the stretch marks, and a HUGE scar that I have nothing to show for it (right now at least). And I hate the feeling of going to our new ward and hardly anyone knows that I am a mother!!! That they just think we are a couple that is waiting to have kids, when we didn't wait!! Not that there is anything wrong with waiting, or that I care what people think of me, I just want everyone to know that I have a baby!!!!!!! So anyway, that is my life right now. Luckily for me, the depression part only comes every so often and I don't cry everyday now, but sometimes I just need to vent my feelings. I just hope i don't offend anyone in the meantime.
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20 comments:
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm sure it is hard to do. Because of what you have wrote so many more people out there who read your blog will appreciate what they have been given even more and not take it for granted. I know that is how I feel. For me, today is one of those hard days to be a mom and reading your blog made me take a step back appreciate what I have. Thank you!
P.s
I'm not offended and I would feel the SAME way if I were in your shoes.
Don't feel bad at all. I think it is completely normal! I am proud of you for being open and sharing, because everyone has those feelings! During the 2 years we spent trying to get pregnant, it was so hard not to be jealous or even resentful sometimes. I would think about how it seemed like everyone else could just get pregnant and pop out kids, but how it was so hard for me. I think it's just human nature! I know that yours is a completely different situation, but it just shows that everyone has these feelings in one way or another at some point. Like I said, I am glad you are sharing, because it lets me know I am not the only one who has felt this way!
Your feelings are totally understandable!!! And no hard feeling are felt from me. I'm sure everyone would have those same feeling if they went through what you did. I love you and always pray for you!
Sounds like you are a human being! Anyone who has a heart couldnt be offended by the way you feel. We all would feel the same way if we were in your shoes! Our prayers are continually with you and Mark.
I'm glad you posted this Ashley. I know what you mean about having the baby body with nothing to show for it. It probably sounds like a little thing (which I guess it is just one of the many things) but that used to bother me too. People in the store or at showers or anywhere else I went, didn't know that I'd just had a baby, that I was grieving, etc. I remember feeling like I was from a different planet sometimes, although people tried to include me and make me feel normal. It is just so hard. I am so sorry. Some things never bothered me (like baby blessings) but some things are still hard for me (like baby showers). Right now I am dealing with people getting pregnant who were pregnant the same time I was...which means they will have two kids here when I don't have any. I don't really like thinking about it. Anyway, I love you. I think you are amazing!
Hey Ash, venting and expressing your feelings is another way of healing...so don't apologize for doing so. I'm actually so very proud of you (and Mark). Love ya lots! Deena
Awww, Ashley, you made me cry! I love you and am still praying for you!
Ashley, I dont know if you remember me or not...I was friends with Celeste Nielson, and also hung out with you a few times. I check your blog VERY often! I am so sorry for what you are going through! Your little Angel has some AWESOME parents to watch over and will be so blessed to have you raise him in the eternitys. I lost 5 babies due to miscariages (not that, that compares to what you went through) But I had to just keep telling myself during the whole time that, that baby was so perfect and Heavenly Father needed their help more then he thought I needed their help (at least for now). But I dont think anywords people can say, can REALLY make you feel better right now. But for what its worth...I think you have EVERY right to feel the way you feel right now!!!! We will FOR SURE keep you and your family in our prayers!!!
Love, Shelbi
oh ash my heart just aches everytime I think of you and Heidi I love and admire you girls and the strength you two have! everytime I think of you guys, read your blogs, whatever...I just cry cuz I can't even fatham how you guys feel and I definitely don't take for granted the miracle of pregnancy. I do feel bad because I wanted so badly for everything to be ok for you and Heidi, I'm not offended by any means but I just think back to the day of sweet Jersey's funeral and how comforting it was to me for you to just stand there and hug me as weird as that may sound...but I still pray for you and Heidi often as I can only imagine how tuff things can be right now...
Ash, I just love ya. I think it is great that you vocalize how you are really feeling. You dont try to make your life something that it is not. I can not imagine anyone would feel any different if they were in your shoes. I miss you.
ps - how are you liking the bangs?
Hi Ashley, it's me Jolyn- Hubba's other cousin:). I have hesitated commenting, but I want you to know how much I truly ADMIRE your courage to put your feelings out there. I am sure it's not easy, but I think you will love to look back on this and remember your feelings and use that as a strength for you and for others out there. I just found out my SIL, is experiencing problems in her pregnancy at 3 months and I don't know what the outcome will be for her....but I am SO thankful I can have more of an understanding for what she might be going through; thinking, feeling etc. so I can be more of a comfort to her! Anyway, thanks for sharing your journey! Oh, my blog is private so if you want to reply just email me at cavey@cox.net!
Ashley, I'm glad you were able to share all of that. You are not offending me at all, because in a way I felt the same way for a while. And the people with normal pregnancies, I'm happy for them but wish that was possible for me. All I can do is remember that Heavenly Father is there for me, and he's there for you. And life will get better. When you are ready email me, or call. Love ya Ash!
Ashley,
It was so great to be at your sweet baby's funeral! The spirit was so strong! I hope we can get together soon! I would love to talk! I think about you often and my prayers are with you and your family!
Ashley, I feel like a total blogstalker---okay, I am. Anyway, I was reading through your last post and crying. It sounded a lot like one of my journal entries awhile after we lost our baby Katherine, from the post-preggo body to wanting to shout to the world that you have a child. The miracle is that today I can honestly say that I am grateful for my experience, despite the pain and loss. Life does get better, and you will have your happy family!
Melinda Pugh
(from your parent's ward)
hey ash! i just realized i dont have your e mail or phone number! will you e mail me at raygon0326atyahoodotcom? i am going to be in az next week and would like to see ya if its possible! hope to hear from you soon!
You have every right to feel that way, and no one in their right mind would take offense to that. It is good that you are letting it all out, it is necessary for your "healing process". It is better than letting it boil inside. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes. It definitely would be devastating to say the least. You are so strong and I appreciate reading your experiences and feelings. Thank you for your example of faith and steadfastness
Hello, you don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog from Ashley Tanner's blog and I just wanted to comment for a minute. I don't know what happened in your situation, but I just want to say, it gets better. I lost a baby at 16 weeks. I delivered him and everything. A lot of people weren't aware of what happened with me as well. I remember feeling that feeling of wanting a baby. I was upset when people around me were having healthy babies and all was well. I didn't like the fact that mine was taken away from me and that I couldn't hold him in my arms as well. It was hard. It was very hard. The way you explain your feelings was exactly the way I felt. But it slowly got better. I still get sad every now and then, and I now have a baby of my own, but I still miss him. His due date o is coming up and I realized today that I could have a toddler running around, I still miss him and pray for him every day. He is mine, he will be mine forever and I will be able to have him again and hold him again. One of my favorite quotes is this: "In my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting… The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
Thank you for sharing your feelings and your sweet story. I too lost my baby girl almost 4 months ago. I have had many of those same feelings and thoughts, and it's difficult to explain them to others who have not lost a child. I hope that you will find peace, in knowing that you are a mother of a perfect angel.
Lots of love,
Rylie
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